i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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