if you like me you must not know who I am
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
