apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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