I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
