I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
