I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
