I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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