Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
