my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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