Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
