Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
