he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
