Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
