Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
