So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
