i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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