dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
How does one acquire holy water?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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