Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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