Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize