I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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