My hand turned me down
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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