DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
