I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
