She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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