I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
