omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
