At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
