I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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