nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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