eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Randomize
