do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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