i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
