ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
