I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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