Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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