Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
