gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
