he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
