It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
