i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
They have beer where we have blood.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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