Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize