I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
