6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Still dying that you shit outside
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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