Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
