Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
