I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
