You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
