1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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