I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize