Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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