Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
