I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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