you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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