my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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