I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
