I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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