You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Boobs are out for the taking
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
