I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
