Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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