Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I am midnight drunk by noon
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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