Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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