I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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