He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
