I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
