so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
