so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
