Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
