His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
