i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
