My cat gives me a boner
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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