i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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