Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
