so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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